HEADLINES:

“Plastic Bags at Alberstons Now Hormone-Free”
Small City, Idaho

Aiming to compete with recently merged giants Wild Oats and Whole Foods, Alberstons announced today that it will begin offering hormone-free plastic bags in place of the old, hormone-inundated ones. When asked about paper alternatives, Alberstons’ spokesperson John DiMonte regretfully said that “paper bags will continue to be laced with hormones until a better alternative can be found. To our knowledge, no side effects—save those connected with cancer and deformed children—have been recorded in relation to the use of the hormonal bags.”

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“Switzerland Takes Stand Against Holocaust”
A Cave, Switzerland

Breaking its vow of non-alliance with any human contingent, nation, or entity, Switzerland will march against the atrocity of the holocaust this Sunday. When told that the 3rd Reich had long-since fallen, Swiss Cave Dweller Georges Gegenhauer-Weiss insisted that Hitler was still an imminent threat to the world, cursing in three incomprehensible languages and vowing that all ten of the country’s Jews would remain in Switzerland’s complex network of caves until the Fuehrer resigned or was deposed. Regrettably, alienated countries to the east, west, north and south of Switzerland failed to inform the isolated nation that its watch batteries stop working after a period of two years.

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“Major Chinese Bicycle Factory Burns; Citizens Home-bound”
Still Mostly Communist China

Following a string of factory mishaps and dangerous explosions, China’s number one bicycle-producing factory caught on fire this morning. Nearby rice elevators fed the blaze, presumably caused by the discovery of fire in a nearby village. Chinese workers were given the day off, as Communist leaders declared today a nationwide disaster.

“I can’t even get my many herbals remedies and Communist-tainted newspaper from the corner store,” said one Beijing cyclist in broken Cantonese. “I was going to get a new bike, but the government won’t allow us to leave our homes. The only worse thing would be if the grain elevators caught on fire and all of the rice burned.”

The factory is scheduled to be replaced, just as soon as construction workers can find a way to get to the smoldering remains.

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“Study Finds Doctors Are a Significant Cancer Risk”
Suburban Family Practice, Iowa

Doctors Jamie Smelt and Aaron Shaw of Smelt and Shaw, MD PPS LSD DDR are facing a heavy fine imposed by the city of Ottumwa, Iowa for endangering patients with terminal cancer. Recent evidence supplied by the city’s Mayor/Asst. Mayor/Representative/Dog Catcher shows that countless elderly patients have walked into Smelt and Shaw’s practice, leaving much sicker than before with a terminal cancer diagnosis. Drawing the obvious conclusion that these sprightly 80-something gentlemen acquired the disease from medical malpractice, Mayor John McCorn cited the practice with wanton abuse of doctor-patient privilege and the somehow acquired ability to infect patients with cancer.

Studies across the country support McCorn’s conclusion; thousands of doctors’ offices have been linked to higher rates of cancer among members of the old and near-dead national demographic.

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“Hospitality Student Remarkably Inhospitable During Parents’ Weekend”
Hotel School of the Ozarks

Parents’ Weekend at HSO was surprisingly uninviting for student parents Michelle and Randy Montier. A recent trip to visit the campus and spend time with their son left the couple questioning the quality of the school’s instruction.

“We came here expecting a few events. Nothing major,” said put-off parent Randy Montier. “Instead, we got kicked off a campus tour, yelled at by campus security, and personally un-invited from the President’s welcome banquet.”

Later, the parents were shoved out of their son’s dorm room. When son John Montier was called to explain himself, his phone was not answered.

Upon leaving campus to return home, campus security officer Frank confiscated their leftover Olive Garden fettuccine alfredo. “It is not permissible to carry food on campus,” Frank yelled loudly. “They had no right. And I hadn’t had dinner yet.”

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“Republicans Deny They Are Involved in Two-Party Politics”
Washington, District of Corruption

Former House Speaker John Einrich and Senator Malcom Smith denied involving themselves in two-party politics at a press conference Wednesday morning.

“We have nothing to do with Democrats. We resolve to work strictly according to a Republic ethic, devoid of interaction and mutual understanding,” said Einrich. “If this were about getting things done on a basis of compromise, then things would be different. As it is, we are unwillingly to give in to a legislative body pretending to live in a democratic society.”

When asked how the Republican Party might achieve its goals, both the Speaker and Senator indicated that the stubborn approach to staunch isolationism and alienation of those unwilling to recognize Republican correctness would ultimately prevail. Citing the noble perseverance of President George W. Bush, both gentlemen proposed lowering tolerance, cutting political freedoms of the masses and spending more time at paid-for lunches with big business lobbies.

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“O’Reilly Factor Harpoons Some Poor Bastard”
TV Studio

As a special on the O’Reilly Factor, a naïve 20-somethining computer science major was hauled into O’Reilly’s TV studio to defend Microsoft’s bug-infested Windows Vista.

“Why can’t I get my e-mail address book to work!?!?!” shouted O’Reilly at the scared, virginal, almost-teenager. “I did exactly what the damned paperclip guy told me to do!!”

Though the student claimed over and over again that he was not an employee of Microsoft and had nothing to do with the development of the software, O’Reilly persisted.

“You study this stuff! You should be able to tell me why it sucks! What are they teaching you and why in God’s name are you paying tuition at whatever crappy university you’re going to??!?” Insisting that he needed to get back to his dorms so he could study for midterms, freshman MIT student Timothy Dorf eventually bolted out the side door, dropping and breaking his thick-rimmed glasses.

O’Reilly immediately called for a commercial break, preparing for his next guest, Georgetown graduate student Sarah Fulworth, who is completing her degree in Middle East Peacekeeping.

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“Country Buffet Accidentally Serves Steak-Fried Chicken”

In a post-drunken stupor motivated by a friendly bet, Country Buffet employee Daniel Rider decided that he would advertise a new dish on the restaurant’s ever-growing menu: steak-fried chicken.

Confused guests stopped multiple servers to ask what exactly the dish was. Unaware of the change in menu, the servers simply responded that “it was probably like fried chicken only without the bones and medium-rare.” When asked about the dangers of salmonella, the restaurant manager assured the guests that there are no grains of any kind in the chicken feed.

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“Surgeon General Not a Surgeon, Nor a General”
The Pentagon, 8th floor, 6th door on the right

An employee of the government’s low-key medical oversight department leaked startling news to the press on Thursday afternoon: the Surgeon General is neither a surgeon, nor a general.

When confronted with the claim, Surgeon General Max Baptista said something about the position being a sinecure. “Some years,” he claimed, “there is no Surgeon General. We just generate warnings and use the name because we think it carries more weight than a random warning.”

More prodding by media moguls revealed that in fact, no one is appointed to the position, but that it is filled in round-robin fashion by Pentagon janitors. Clearly not surgeons, nor doctors, nor generals, the Pentagon is now in the process of devising a new title to include on product labels. Current suggestions include “Janitor In-The-Know Warning,” “Friendly Government Reminder,” “This Might Kill You or Cause Terminal Illness Warning,” and “Highly Radioactive Chemicals in Your Underwear Would Be Healthier Than This Warning.”