The Hearing of Mr. Jeffrey W.T.M. Steen
Addressing Accusations of Gross Incompetence, Negligence, and Poor Production

The government has issued its statement of intent and desire to proceed with the examination of your loyalties and abilities, pursuant to Article 7B of the United States Constitution. According to the report issued by the investigative subcommittee, chaired by Dr. Robert R. Parker, you have been found negligent and grossly incompetent. This hearing is provided for your legal benefit, allowing for adequate rebuttal to the claims made against you. What is your response to the indictments of the United States government on these accounts?

I am aware of my gross incompetence.

Are you aware that we have been aware of your gross incompetence?

Mostly not, seeing as how my incompetence prevented me from adequately performing my duties, or being aware of my failure to perform said duties adequately.

Then you admit to being negligent?

In so much as I was too incompetent to be reliable.

No one in Congress is concerned with reliability, Mr. Steen. We’re more interested in negligent incompetence. Did you or did you not execute your duties in a manner fitting of the United States government?

I did not.

You did not execute your duties?

No, I did. They were summarily executed.

So you did them all at once?

No, one at a time. But they were executed by the end of the day.

Mr. Steen, your negligence has been cited as a factor in the poor productivity of the government agency in which you work. Do you admit to this poor productivity?

I do. It’s terribly funded.

I’m sorry?

The productivity. It’s lacking investment.

It’s poorly run?

Exactly.

Are you integral to this productivity, Mr. Steen?

I wouldn’t think of it.

So you admit to contributions of incompetence to your agency’s poor productivity?

No. I’m hardly productive when there isn’t adequate compensation. And I hardly compensate poor production.

Have you ever been integral to the productivity?

When it is compensated productivity.

You receive financial support for your poor productivity?

Certainly not. Though I should.

Mr. Steen, you have been involved in the development of legislative action to curb the kind of financial support of productivity that you are now involved with not doing.

I have indeed not been in support of it, unless it was in support of our poor productivity, in which case I was an adamant supporter.

You have supported legislation that opposes the support of compensation of productivity that is poorly accomplished within your agency?

I have.

And to what end have you been successful?

I am still uncompensated, and presumably, unsupportable.

To what end do you feel your gross incompetence contributed to the failure of legislation to fund agencies of poor production such as your own?

It failed? I was unaware.

We sent you a memo. Are you claiming that you were negligent and did not read government materials you were obligated to read?

No. Negligence is wanton.

You were unwanton in your negligence, then?

I was ignorant of the government’s actions inasmuch as I was involved in its poor production.

I see. Mr. Steen, this committee, having been formed for the sole purpose of judging your incompetence based on the submission of documents detailing your poor productivity following the failure of legislation designed to support agencies such as your own, is now called to make an unsavory judgment of your competencies, or lack thereof, as well your contributions to the poor production of our national government.

It is with gravity that I issue the following penalty against you, to be executed immediately, to all ends this government can affect:

Mr. Steen: having been found by this committee to be grossly incompetent, negligent, poorly productive, evasive in questioning, and unsupportive of poor production within the confines of your own agency and the greater confining government of this country, you are hereby commanded to resign your position, lest you should wantonly support the production of the agency from which you come, dispense with intelligence, and attempt to re-establish competence according to the negligent standards of this government. If you choose not to be affected by this penalty by continuing to support the poor productivity of your office, you will be asked to retire prematurely, without commendation, and all further penalties enacted by the committee will be executed, along with your entirely family, pursuant to Article 7B of the United States Constitution.

This hearing is adjourned.