THE NEWS IN BRIEFS: Friday, June 29, 2007

Beyond Kinsey: Exploring the Interrelationality of Sex, Intellect, and Emotion in Relationships
June 29, 2007
Song of Praise (written for the St. Paul Congregation, the 5th Sunday of Ordinary Time)
June 30, 2007

“Culinary Graduate Forgets Crucial Salad Dressing Recipe”

Jonathan Steiner, a recent Johnson & Wales culinary graduate, recently fainted in the kitchen of Private Valley Country Club when asked to make a salad dressing for the afternoon lunch crowd.

“Golfers expect a token amount of green on their plate, mostly to convince their wives that they won’t get an aneurysm at age 45, ” said Executive Chef Kevin de Baucherie. “All I wanted was a lousy frickin’ cook who knew how to mix oil and vinegar together.”

Steiner claims he remembers something about emulsified dressings, but began to sweat when he couldn’t recall what vinegar to use and whether or not to add salt before or after the addition of olive oil or vegetable oil or if the whole the whole thing were a test of his culinary aptitude.

De Baucherie is currently looking for Steiner’s replacement. “You can bet which questions will be asked at this interview,” he growled while pouring ketchup on fifty-seven plates of iceberg lettuce.

* * *

“’Beware of Dog’ Sign Consumed by Mastiff”

In an act of retaliation against backyard canine enslavement, Laguna Hills dog Maxtor jumped his fence and began ravaging neighborhood yards. Among his more ironic acts against the man was the two-bite consumption of neighbor Ted’s “Beware of Dog” sign.

“I came out the next morning, and the thing was in shreds,” Ted recalls. “At first, I thought my four year-old son Michael had been chewing on it, so I locked him in the garage. Then I realized four year olds don’t really have sharp teeth and no appetite for signage.”

Maxtor eventually met up with a stray pack of geese and is currently living the wild life in the undeveloped hills behind Ted’s yard. He hopes some day to earn the respect of dog owners and sign makers everywhere.

* * *

“North African Continent ‘Really Fucking Hot’”

A recent meeting of the African nations in the oxymoronic Democratic Republic of the Congo revealed a startling reality today: everyone on the continent is too fucking hot.

“I guess it’s been this way for a while,” noted the meeting’s secretary, Mumbai Dakatar. “No one has bothered to say anything. Most of us talk about the AIDS pandemic and Nelson Mandela. It’s really quite a statement.”

Resolutions to solve the problem include a move to Greenland, carving straw huts out of giant ice cubes, and the manipulation of the continent’s thermometers.

* * *

“Egyptians Really Did Walk Sideways”

On location at Egypt’s pyramid—you know, the one pyramid they built—archaeologist Madison Suffix discovered that the two-dimensional pictorial depictions of the Egyptian people are, in fact, accurate. The uncovering of Nothingincommon I revealed that the lateral direction of their feet to be a physical reality for the Egyptians, likely a genetic malfunction.

“It must have made walking a great strain,” said Suffix. “I would imagine they could only walk from side to side and dealt with a great deal of trippage.”

The new discovery begs exciting questions, such as: how the hell did they build giant pyramids when they couldn’t even walk in a straight line? Recent press announcements indicate that some poor graduate student at Vassar College will undertake research experiments to find an answer to this question. The final results will be published in a New York Times bestseller attributed to a big name professor with no acknowledgment given to the poor sap.

“It really answers a number of questions historians have struggled with,” concludes James Prefix, Suffix’s assistant. “Now we know why the Olympic games never transferred to Egypt. When you can only move side to side, it makes wrestling and javelin throwing very difficult.”

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