I have been recently inspired by Jose Jalapeño on a Steek. You may be asking yourself how anyone can be inspired by a condiment, or for that matter, who names their condiments, and who puts them on a stick. Well let me tell you something! Jose is not just any condiment. He’s a jalapeño. On a steek. For that very reason, I have decided to enlist him as an awkward-silence-not-sure-what-to-say-date-not-going-well fix. Or, for that matter, as a solution to any number of bizarre social problems and financial conundrums. I have a few scenarios in mind. Please humor me, even if you don’t find these scenes amusing. (No pun intended there.)
Scenario 1: 21-year old ex-military junkie who can’t go three and a half minutes without mentioning something about the kick-assedness of the Marines—or counterstrike.
Jeff: So, you run?
Guy: Yeah, I used to run all the time in the Marines. They run a lot. The Marines.
Guy: Do you play counterstrike much? Man, I just got this new gun… (Pause/awkward silence)
Jeff: Do you like jalapeños?
Guy: What? I guess. Why?
Jeff: Have you ever met a talking jalapeño?
Jeff: Exactly. (Pulls out Jose Jalapeño on a Steek.) Check this out!
Guy: What the hell is that?
Jeff: It’s a jalapeño. On a steek.
Guy: Yeah, I got that. Why do you have a condiment on a stick?
Jeff: First of all, it’s a STEEK, not a stick, and second of all, it’s not just a condiment. It’s a jalapeño.
Guy: (Blank stare)
Jeff to Jose: Hello Jose!
Jose to Jeff: I’m Jose Jalapeño on a STEEK!
Guy: (Leaving…) You need some help man.
Jose to Guy: Byeeee!
Jose to Jeff: Stupeed boys don’t appreciate jalapeños on steeks. At least I ended that crap date, eh?
Jeff to Jose: I know! Good thing I carry you along with my 13 pens, cell phone, and 46 keys.
Jose: Jose does not have a cell phone.
Jeff: Yes, well, you have no arms either.
Jose: But I do have a STEEK!
Scenario #2: Distracting people waiting in line at the DMV.
Employee: Excuse me, sir, you’ll need to get to the back of the line.
Jose: But ma’am, I am Jose Jalapeño. On a steek.
Employee: … Ok, well, then, you’ll still have to go to the end of the line.
Jeff: How about if I let Jose go ahead of me, and I’ll wait here?
Employee: Sure, whatever.
Jeff to Jose: Ok, señor, go distract them while I jump to the head of the line.
Jose: Si, señor! (Bobs up to the next people in line)
Jose: OLE! I am Jose Jalapeño on a Steek.
Customer: Are you here for a license too?
Jose: No, I’m not that hot.
Customer: (Confused pause) Well then what the hell are you doing in line?
Jose: I need to get my eyes checked.
Customer: For driving?
Jose: Si, señor.
Another Customer: But you have no legs. You just have a… stick.
Jose: Si. I have a steek.
Another Customer: But you can’t drive without legs and arms.
Jose: How do you know? Have you tried? (Long silence) You don’t have a steek. Only Jose has a steek. Jose can drive with a steek. (Blank stares)
***Meanwhile, Jeff ducks to the head of the line, getting his license and talking to the employee at the counter for 20 minutes while Jose tries to convince the people waiting in line that jalapeños on steeks can actually drive***
Scenario #3: Personal problems arise between me and a significant other—something about the knobby setting on the toaster. Jose comes to the rescue, yet again.
Jeff: Look, all I’m saying is, if you set the freakin’ thing that high it’s going to burn the toast every time!
SO (Significant Other): Every time I’ve tried it’s worked fine! I don’t know what you’re doing, but the problem isn’t me or the toaster, it’s you!
Jeff: What if Jose Jalapeño were near the toaster? Cranked up to 11, the poor guy would turn into a chile relleno on a steek!
SO: Who? What? Jose…? Who are you talking about? Stop changing the subject!
Jeff: I’m not changing the subject. This has everything to do with the knobby thing on the toaster. If you set it as high as you do, you’re in danger of turning Jose Jalapeño into an appetizer. I think he’s quite content being a condiment, don’t you?
SO: Huh?!? What—?!
Jeff: You only stutter if don’t have a good comeback. Don’t worry, I’ll reset the toaster.
So there you have it. Three different ways of making use of Jose Jalapeño. I highly encourage you to make friends with him, as he saves you time at the DMV, keeps you from wasting cell phone minutes by calling friends to get out of a date, and clears up relationship problems within minutes. When it comes down to it, who wouldn’t want a friend like Jose Jalapeño…on a Steek?