Please be advised that the following changes are in effect for the entire human race and various sub-species including frogs, lichen, and zombies:
1) When in Rome, do as the Germanic tribes of Northern Europe did. (I.e. raze, destroy, pillage, engulf in flames) Please be sure you have a proper travel visa first, however.
2) Ireland will be considered its own independent state, due largely to the copious amounts of beer and Riverdance emanating therefrom. Honestly, any ethnic group that can drink like fishes and Riverdance deserves their own country. They also deserve to be separated from the United Kingdom, if only because they have decided stewed tomatoes for breakfast are a horrible idea.
3) In America, we shall seize the paycheck (carpe per diem). If we get paid today, we will also carpe Budweiser.
4) Socially mandated broadcasting organizations will plan and execute sabotage missions for talk shows including, but not limited to, the following brainless airwaves of idiocracy: Rush Limbaugh, The O’Reilly Factor, Anyone Who Speaks on FOX, and Dr. James Dobson. This shall be manifested in the form of broken microphones, whoopee cushions, and super glue on control panels.
5) America: “Oriental” shall refer only to rugs, while “Asian” shall refer to the cuisine of the Eastern Hemisphere. Because, as we know, there is only one.
6) “Forte” shall no longer be pronounced like with an inexplicable “ay” at the end of it, but rather like a military stronghold. Until, that is, the French change their pronunciation of it again just to f*** with us.
7) Vegetarians who do not eat meat for the mere sake of being popular are not impressing, and will continue not to impress, farm animals. Somehow, they get butchered for dinner anyway.
8) Those of you who aren’t really laughing when you write “LOL” in your e-mails and instant messages will be dubbed “virtual liars” and be summarily issued frowny faces. LOL. Start laughing.
9) Fig Newtons contain neither figs, nor newtons.
10) The word is “comp’-uh-ruh-bul.” If one more person says “comp-AHr’-able,” I will kill a live chicken in their bedroom.
11) Dogs are people too.
12) It would be better for you to rage against the repairman who can never fix your kitchen vent light, than to rage against the GE 60W light bulb.
13) Construction workers should be aware that there are 13 steps between the first and second floors of my office building. If I die, I will be sure to sue any and all responsible parties.
14) Boutique apartments in high-rise buildings with quaint little balconies shall henceforth be known as shoebox storage units with suicide convenience.
15) Does anyone know why we named a layered puff pastry dish after a short, arrogant French man? Explosive and petulant tantrums should be called Napoleons, not a ritzy dessert. Or we should just rig the things to explode while you’re eating them?
16) Shampoo will no longer be sold separate from conditioners. Furthermore, each bottle will have an in-depth explanation of what the friggin’ difference is between the two and why shea butter and oatmeal are necessary for my hair.
17) The macaroni salad at grocery store delis is never good and probably ridden with plague.
18) Jeans that are pre-torn are an embarrassment to clothing stores everywhere and a terrible confusion to most third world countries. Selling them for more than $30 should be sufficient reason to vacate the premises immediately and let Starbucks move in.
19) Memorial Day is not an occasion to remember how to use the high-propane grill that hasn’t seen the light of day since last summer. Rather, it’s a chance to remember the service men and women of our country. And in their honor, eat four hamburgers, five hot dogs, and two tubs of Ben and Jerry’s ice cream while lighting things on fire. God bless America.
20) Figure skating is harder than it looks. I know. I’ve watched it.
21) Cultural literacy presumes you know what a PDF is, how e-mails are sent, who the Killers are, and why Angelina Jolie, is, OMG, like, the best mom EVER!
Please be advised: These changes take effect immediately. Direct all concerns to your public representative. Without using my name.