Peter the Stone,

You’re wobbling. I mean, honestly, if I were to stand on your shoulders—even just get a piggy-back ride—I’d come toppling down into the dirt. Your robe slips, your sandals are worn to a nub, and you haven’t the slightest idea how to speak Greek.

(That last bit is probably not true, but I wasn’t around for the tongues of fire bit, so you can’t help me for being a bit jealous, can you?)

Lastly, and certainly the most important, you haven’t responded to my application for the Assistant to the Apostles position. I really am good with a Day Timer, you know. And scheduling is not James’ strong suit.

Very well, then, stay away from Paul as much as you can (you two are like brothers, I swear to God), and keep up with the circumcision bit. That seems to be getting you somewhere.

Your dutiful servant and friend when needs be,