Mattaman McKearnee

I’ll Never Come Back to Georgia
June 20, 2012
On Account of the Disease
June 21, 2012

Now it so happens there was a pizza which Mattaman devoured for it was unleavened,  on sale, and it had anchovies, as the Lord did not consent to pepperoni, for it was a Friday, and it was the holy days of Lent, and the Lord hates pepperoni.

And it was from that contemptible hut of pizza.

Yet it came to pass that on the eve of the Passover, thinking himself moderately Jewish and having a flock of curly hair, Mattaman asked for extra sauce on the side. Being a man of the book and against the plagues, went forthwith out of the house with his robe barely on, and in a fevered pitch sang: “Eloi Eloi lama sabachthani!” As he did so, he splashed the marinara on the door frame, and waded back into the hut.

Thereupon, he asked the pimply clerk at the register if he had a kid to roast.


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