HEADLINES: April 18, 2007

[New Orleans Creates Waterproof Beignets]

In an effort to prepare for future devastations, New Orleans’ famed Café du Monde has created the first ever waterproof beignet. While slightly plastic in texture, the flavor is the same.

“I would tell you that I’m amazed, but the truth is, I can’t taste anything different,” said New Orleans local Tom Douche. “I still end up with indigestion. It just takes some more chewing to get there.”

Variations on the waterproof beignet include the dam-grade beignet, which can double as a building block for makeshift dams, and the vitamin-enhanced beignet for consumption in circumstances when no other food is available.

[Center for Disease Control Unveils Cutting Edge Plague]

“Death and disease have only begun to be a pox on human civilization,” CDC Director Frank DiMarco joyfully proclaimed on Tuesday. “The worst of any illness our race has known has finally been created by the world’s best scientists and doctors.”

The new deadly plague is designed to wipe out human existence in 12.4 seconds. When asked how a disease could spread so quickly, DiMarco proudly professed: “It combines the end stages of cholesterol overdose, fourteen types of uber-efficient cancer, super AIDS, an intensified version of depression, impotence, and the germs from 25 stadium toilet seats.”

Though the new creation is worth much praise, DiMarco admits that there isn’t much of a market for this kind of product. “Usually, people are looking for cures,” he ceded. “But in this line of work, we try to be the world’s best source of plagues, toxins, and devastating illnesses. It’s just our line of work.” When compared to other on-the-market products like those of Monsanto, DiMarco was confident that the CDC disease would soon corner the market.

“We’re like the Arm & Hammer of disease manufacturers. Who else makes baking soda? Or, in our case, world-destroying diseases?”

[Denver Mayoral Candidates Asked to Institute Year-Round Inclement Weather Policy]

This year’s mayoral race is a tight one. So tight, in fact, incumbent John Hickenlooper (not a member of the KKK), has scheduled one, maybe two, city meetings open to the public.

Among the topics discussed at the meeting was a policy that would allow for inclement weather preparation year-round. When asked what this policy would include, Hickenlooper stated: “I will make sure that we will have snow ploughs, tow trucks, fire trucks, ambulances, school busses, church vans, taxis, RTD busses, old people cars, cranes, big construction vehicles, and a giant boat ready at all times for every form of inclement weather that might hit Denver.”

Though most Denver residents came to the meeting in 65-degree sunny weather, they left having to shovel their cars out of three feet of snow while it was raining during a windstorm as the sun was setting.

[Quebec Votes to Move to South America]

Local Quebec voters balked at yet another election to declare themselves independent from the mostly-boring country of Canada.

“It’s basically another England,” we guess local resident Jean-Francois Perrine said on Tuesday. We don’t speak French. “It’s time we go somewhere where people aren’t pretending their either English or American.”

When questioned about Quebec’s allegiance to France, Perrine spit at us. “You stupid Americans! We don’t isolate the rest of the world by arrogantly refusing to compromise in any political, emotional, or linguistic way!”

A petition to move to South America where no known Francophiles live circulated through remote towns in Quebec yesterday morning. “We have 5 signatures, a cigarette butt, and somebody gave us their dog,” said political activist and octogenarian Francis Deville. “The government says we need at least 5,000 to put it on the ballot, but I think we’ll just get together and move. Then when they come to visit we’ll all be gone.”

Most of Quebec is filled with isolated towns, snow-covered wineries, bakeries that make fabulous quiche, and angry drunk natives.

“They figure themselves to be a modern-day Israel,” said Canadian Prime Minister Jean Guittard. “Except with croissants and cigarettes instead of staffs and unleavened bread.”