March 7, 2012
Caveat Emptor
March 8, 2012

Most Excellent Apostle,

Many thanks for the grace you remind us of; it is our daily bread. And for that, we are yet surviving.

But I ask you, wrapped up in your aphorisms and platitudes, what exactly is the fullness of time? It is a bendy way to go about accessing comfort in the Lord—ambiguous as all hell (which we don’t believe in here, by the way). I mean to say: When do we expect fullness? And what is time to God anyway? To expect God in the fullness of something that doesn’t exist is a bit daft, no?

Look, all we want is a bit of reassurance that there is some concrete thing to look to—not just an ambiguous promise. God promised the freedom of the Israelites from the Egyptians, right? That was pretty clear. But he sends you now in the form of Moses to tell us that all of the goodness of God will happen in the fullness of time. You might as well tell us to sit tight, because you have no fucking idea when we’ll have any relief from the insipid Romans.

I know it’s unusual for you get letters like this, and it’s unlikely it will match up to your theologically astute epistles, but someone’s got to say something! You’re quick enough to tell us who we should marry and how we should be spending our denarii, but when it comes to knowing much about the coming of the Lord, you’re all smoke and mirrors. Typical. Isaiah was the same way.

Just send us something of substance, would you? Make it up for all I care—it’s just about giving us hope. Tell us the fullness of time is Thursday at 4 o’clock. Or on the sabbath before we say our prayers. After we eat our gefilte fish. SOMETHING! It’s really not a lot to ask.

Anyway, we appreciate the letters just the same. Most of us think you’re not even writing them—that you have a toady who makes up this fluff. Still, I see it as a comfort. I mean, what else do we have to read but edicts from the emperors telling us that they’re burning us—no, drowning us—no, that we’ll be eaten by lions—no, … It’s good to know someone wants us alive.

So, all in all, let us know what we should do—and for God’s sake, be explicit! Faith can’t save us from the lion’s den, if you get my drift. Those are children’s stories.

Peace and safe travels! Knock the dust off those shoes.

In Christ,

Roger, the elder of Corinth

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