Letter to the Church of the Universal God: On The Proclamation of His Sacrifice, the Living Body
June 11, 2007
Signs
June 14, 2007

Beloved Readers:

It has come to my attention that the four of you who read this drivel (occasionally five) have rarely importuned me to explain my nonsensical banter, and ask whether or not it is actually true, or whether it is, as previously mentioned, pure drivel. Naturally, you have made your judgments, keeping them silent. I therefore have no sense of what constitutes an effective blog entry, nor do I know which (if any) of them inspires you to continue your day with acts of benevolent kindness, or, contrarily, with vicious and desperate acts of violence and depravity. To this end, I have created a customer satisfaction survey to be filled out by all willing readers. There is no obligation here. Be forewarned, however, that the failure to participate might result in the most bizarre and offense blog entries yet to be posted.

We—I—appreciate your support and look forward to your continued enjoyment of my insightful and colorful compositions.

Question 1: If you were a small child, between the ages of 5 and 7, how would you react to the “**** Me Jesus” blog entry?

A. I can’t read yet.
B. Is Jesus the same as Santa Claus?
C. I don’t really know what **** means. It’s been blanked out everywhere I’ve seen it.
D. I enjoyed it immensely and found great relationship insight from the final two sentences.
E. I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it violates the moral principles of a 5 year old.
F. Jesus was a white man from Oxford. White men from Oxford don’t say those things.

Question 2: If you were to pick your favorite poetry style used thus far, which would it be?

A. Free form with no capitalization
B. Free form with no punctuation
C. Free form with capitalization and no punctuation
D. Free form with no capitalization, punctuation, or meaning
E. Iambic Septameter

Question 3: Given the preponderance of God-talk, how do you feel about the sensitivity to faith and religion in this blog?

A. Yhwh must never been uttered aloud.
B. Haven’t people been killed in the name of religion? You’re worried about sensitivity…why?
C. I believe! Finally, I believe! Praise Jesus!
D. Could you at least use a different word for God, like “The Big Mac Daddy”?
E. Temperamental religion deserves a temperamental response. I refuse to answer.

Question 4: Given the frequency of the posts, how often do you read this blog?

A. Once. I think by accident.
B. Three times, and I’m sorry to say the third time was not the charm.
C. I check every five minutes. I’m still unemployed.
D. I check every five minutes. I’m still employed.
E. I don’t read this blog. And I love and/or hate everything that I have not read.

Question 5: What topics covered in this blog were of particular interest to you and why?

A. Coffee makers. I need a coffee maker. I mean, I need my own barista. I didn’t really read the blog, I just saw the word “coffee.” Does that count?
B. Any and all attacks against authority, particularly the theses thrown at Pope B16 against Catholics who “hate” homosexuality. I’d like to see his face when he reads them! Then I’d ask for a ride in the Pope Mobile.
C. The sublimity of 18th century England.
D. Socks.
E. The outrage of fish. There is no funnier image than a livid fish about to pop a blood vessel frantically flapping his fins in a koi pond.

Question 6: Given the audience (or lack thereof), how might I improve the blog to interest more readers?

A. Porn.
B. Shorter blog entries. MUCH shorter blog entries.
C. Various incentives like candy or ocean cruises.
D. Free T-shirt.
E. The chance to weigh in on what the next blog entry will be.
F. Contributions made to a charity, and/or donation of blood, and/or donation of first born and/or adopted child.
G. Nudity. Male nudity.

Question 7a: What is the capital of Sri Lanka?

A. Sri Lanka City.
B. Sir Lanka doesn’t have any cities.
C. Columbo.
D. Matlock.
E. Kriseijesinjia
F. Tenochtitlan

Question 8: What is the best feeling you’ve ever had while reading my blog?

A. Uhhh…
B. I fell asleep once.
C. I saw my name in print!
D. I didn’t know how to make flourless chocolate cake.
E. I was going to buy a GM truck.
F. Tuesday.

Question 9: Which inspires/excites you more?

A. Food entries.
B. Sex entries.
C. God entries.
D. Food, sex, and God entries.
E. Poetry with little point and no rhyme.
F. Term papers posted online for easy access.

Question 10: Given the capabilities of the internet, would it be worthwhile/interesting for me to add a podcast to my blog?

A. If by worthwhile, you mean, “Would I listen to it?”, then no.
B. As long as you don’t sound like Dr. James Dobson.
C. Do you use a British accent for everything you read?
D. Only if profanity is used. Be the new Howard Stern!
E. What’s a podcast?
F. What’s a blog?
G. Which question is this?
H. I don’t really know you, but I like filling out surveys. Do I get paid for this one?

Question 10c: Please supply you own comments. Be descriptive, vulgar, flattering, or honest. Use examples. Be thorough, and for God’s sake, use the 5-paragraph essay format, alright?

2 Comments

  1. tiggr says:

    1 – Is Jesus the same as Santa Claus?
    2 – Free form with capitalization and no punctuation
    3 – Haven’t people been killed in the name of religion? You’re worried about sensitivity…why? [and incidentally, Could you at least use a different word for God, like “The Big Mac Daddy”?]
    4 – I check every five minutes. I’m still unemployed.
    5 – Any and all attacks against authority, particularly the theses thrown at Pope B16 against Catholics who “hate” homosexuality. I’d like to see his face when he reads them! Then I’d ask for a ride in the Pope Mobile.
    6 – The chance to weigh in on what the next blog entry will be.
    7a – Kriseijesinjia
    8 – I didn’t know how to make flourless chocolate cake.
    9 – Food entries
    10 – If by worthwhile, you mean, “Would I listen to it?”, then no.
    10c – monkeys thin in the trees! …monkeys thin on the ground. just generally quite trim!

  2. abarrett says:

    1 – I enjoyed it immensely and found great relationship insight from the final two sentences. (Also, I found great opportunity to use it to mock you later).
    2 – Free form with capitalization and no punctuation (furthermore, I liked how you utilized punctuation in every question except this one)
    3 – Temperamental religion deserves a temperamental response. I refuse to answer.
    4 – I check every five minutes. I’m still employed.
    5 – Any and all attacks against authority, particularly the theses thrown at Pope B16 against Catholics who “hate” homosexuality. I’d like to see his face when he reads them! Then I’d ask for a ride in the Pope Mobile.
    6 – A & D, porn and a free T-shirt. Let’s face it, porn is interesting and I’ll do anything for free stuff. I do also like the idea of reader advised entries though. Spend some time in prayer about that.
    7 – Sri Lanka City
    8 – I wish I could say that I’d seen my name in print, but that seems to only happen when I leave a comment. Work on that.
    9 – Food, sex, and God entries. (I’ve always told you that you should write reviews of communion bread and wine–could you do that this week?)
    10 – As long as you don’t sound like Dr. James Dobson.
    10c – I love the new direction you’re going with your blog, you know asking for audience participation from both of us. 🙂 Keep up the good work!

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